


Amazing

by kwlosko



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Jihoon has problems Soon just wants to help, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-30
Updated: 2016-06-30
Packaged: 2018-07-18 20:31:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7329655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kwlosko/pseuds/kwlosko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything that Jihoon does has to be perfect, even if it means completely destroying himself to achieve that. Soonyoung just wants him to realize that his well-being is more important than his work.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Amazing

“Lee Jihoon.”

When the younger boy turned around, his brows were furrowed in frustration but his eyes were glazed, his skin much too pale, his cheeks gaunt – had he lost weight, or was that just the lack of lighting? – and the elder couldn’t find it in himself to be the least bit scared. Of him, at least. For him… Well, that was something else.

“It’s almost four in the morning.” Soonyoung had never been good at seeming mad, let alone threatening, and he knew that now was no different. He tried to make his voice come out hard, demanding, and it was just… pleading. But that was what he was doing, wasn’t it? Pleading for him to listen, for once... Not that he had been clear enough with his concerns, before. No matter how many times he tried to tell him of his concerns, they never came out quite… right. “Why are you still up?”

“I need to finish this,” the smaller grumbled, half under his breath, turning back to the computer as the elder came closer. “I’ve been trying to fix these five seconds for the past three fucking hours, and I can’t… It won’t  _work with me_ …”

“Jihoon…” Soonyoung’s hands landed on his shoulders gently, but he didn’t miss how the other flinched, anyway. He was so, so tense… “You don’t think maybe you’re just tired? Nothing’s gonna work if you’re not thinking straight… When I can’t get a move right, I take a break and when I go back to it, it’s  _so_  much easier.” He had a smile on his face, warm and caring, but pushed, trying so hard not to allow just how much he was worrying through.

“You just want me to go to sleep,” Jihoon grumbled, messing with the selection again, though the elder knew that nothing was coming through his headphones.

“ _Yes_ ,” Soonyoung nearly cried, squeezing his shoulders a little too hard and biting back a whimper at how he instantly tensed up. He let the smile slip, in favor of a soft, worried gaze. “Jihoonie, this isn’t good for you… Have you even eaten today?”

Jihoon was quiet for a long moment, his hands stilling for once, in a way that was much more unnerving than comforting. “I had lunch with you guys.”

The elder sighed softly, wrapping himself around the chair to curl up on the younger as well as he could – not that that meant much, with the leather in the way. “But you’ve been in here since the afternoon and you haven’t left in twelve hours, have you?”

“Had to get up to piss,” the smaller grumbled under his breath, gritting his teeth and digging his fingers into the keys, making the computer begin to flicker in a way that it was most certainly not supposed to.

“Jihoon…” But he was so, so tense under his fingers… Soonyoung dragged himself away, forcing himself to let go and pretending that his heart didn’t twist at the almost-inaudible hitch in Jihoon’s breath. The younger wanted him there. He  _knew_  that the younger wanted him there, but there were much, much deeper issues to address than how the lack of touch at that moment made him freeze up even more. He stepped around, lowering himself to his knees beside the chair and forcefully turning it to face him. “ _Please_.” He needed him to do this. He needed him to be safe, to be healthy, before he could even honestly consider just making him happy for once, and the need to help  _somehow_  had been painful for a long, long time. The flicker in Jihoon’s eyes confirmed that it showed in his. “Just come to bed? Just… let me take care of you.”

The hardened expression wavered, flickering into uncertainty and then reluctance, but he nodded. “Fine. You’re fucking carrying me, though.”

Soonyoung couldn’t help but just  _laugh_ , lighting up the moment that Jihoon agreed. “Of course! Piggy back?” Only when he got a nod of consent did he turn, allowing the smaller to save his work and climb onto him, limbs curling around him in a way that let him feel all too well just how thin he had become. He had to fix that, somehow… He got to his feet slowly, to keep balance. “This okay?”

Jihoon mumbled something unintelligible in response, nuzzling into Soonyoung’s neck as his arms tightened around him. “It’s fine.” His voice was still much too tense on its own, and the way that he gripped him was only pushing it further.

Soonyoung held him gently, as he made his way down the hall, carefully shifting weight so he could open their door and slip into the room, immensely grateful that everyone else was asleep already. They would have to be quiet, but at least there was some semblance of privacy.

He set him down on the bed as gently as he could, before sitting beside him. “Are you feeling okay?” He had never been very good at hiding his emotions, and trying to sound positive just ended up coming out as… hopeful. He just needed him to be alright…

“I’m fine,” Jihoon mumbled, though it wasn’t nearly as convincing as the smaller seemed to want it to be. “Soonyoung, I swear, I’m  _fine_.” He gritted his teeth, clearly trying to keep his expression hard, and all Soonyoung wanted to do was kiss the tension out of his muscles and make him relax. Make him happy. But it was never that easy. “Just… stop worrying about it, okay?”

“About it or about you?”

Soonyoung couldn’t stop the words from spilling out of his mouth but the moment that they did, he regretted them. The moment that he saw Jihoon tense even further, he regretted just about everything he had ever done.

“Me.” But his voice was so tight that it nearly cracked. “Just stop… worrying about me, Soonyoung. I can take care of my damn self.”

“You shouldn’t have to…” It wasn’t the first time that the elder had heard it, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. “Jihoon, I… I  _want_  to take care of you. I want you to be healthy…”

“I’m fine.” But the younger refused to look at him, and this time it did break.

“No, you’re not!” Soonyoung’s voice was still soft, putting as much emphasis as he could on the words without actually screaming. He hated that he could already feel tears stinging his eyes. He hated how emotional he got, he hated that he couldn’t just sit down and softly coax Jihoon out of whatever horrific frame of mind he was in to believe that this was okay, that he deserved this, that he couldn’t just make everything… better. That no matter how many times he tried, Jihoon didn’t  _get it_. “This… This isn’t good for you, Jihoon. You think that everyone has these high expectations of you and you need to be perfect so everyone will be happy with you, but the only person who expects that much out of you is…  _you_. You’re so convinced that nothing that you write is good enough, and you don’t get that everything you make is amazing. You look for errors over and over and over and you work a piece to death until they’re all that you can hear because every time you listen it’s just to look for problems and nothing sounds good to you because that’s all you care about. And that makes you anxious and that makes you listen again the same way and you’re stuck in this awful vicious cycle and it’s not gonna get any better until you admit it.”

Jihoon’s eyes were on him, wide and alarmed and bordering on fearful, and Soonyoung knew that he should shut up, that his voice was shaking and his fingers were gripping the sheets too tight but it was all that he could do to rip his hand off of the fabric and ever so gently set it on the younger’s, trying not to let the sharp intake of breath at the touch get to him. Now that he had started, he… He couldn’t stop. Not with that.

“Everyone would be so much happier with what you end up throwing away because… because you don’t think it’s good enough. And it’s not  _good_ , okay? It’s amazing. Everything you  _make_  is amazing because you’re amazing and you’re so talented at everything that it’s ridiculous. You sing and dance and rap and produce and play so many different instruments so amazingly and you’re such a good leader and you’re so good at so many things, even though you’re just nineteen, and even though you’re so busy all the time, and you love what you do so much, but… But you’re letting it kill you, Jihoon. You’re… You’re  _so_  much more important than how well-written your next song is. You have to get how amazing  _you_  are, and how much you deserve every single amazing thing that happens, every bit of praise we get, because what you do is so… is so important. We wouldn’t be what we  _are_  without you, okay? And I don’t just mean because of you staying up until five am wearing yourself down over a song. I… I mean you being there for us. We  _love_  you, okay? All of us love you and not just because of the songs, but… but because you’re Jihoon, you’re  _our_  Jihoon and you’re so hardworking and you care so much even if you aren’t good at showing it and you… do _so_ much for us all the time. And we just… We just want you to be happy. To be  _okay_ , even if you don’t seem to care whether or not you are.”

At some point, Jihoon’s fingers had curled around Soonyoung’s, digging into his palm, gripping far, far too hard, and all the elder cared about was the fact that he was holding on, that he was listening. He was gripping back just as tight, sure that he was hurting him just as much, but they were keeping each other grounded and he could see the way that the light wavered against the edge of the younger’s bottom lid just as easily as he could feel the sting behind his own eyes.

“It… No one’s perfect.  _Nothing’s_  perfect. But… But I’ve never met someone as close to it as you are. Everything you do is so… is so  _amazing_  and I’m so overwhelmed every  _time_  and you’re so, so dedicated to everything that you do and it… I love that about you. But you’re taking it too far, okay? You can’t… You can’t get by on an hour or two of sleep every night. You can’t keep missing meals and I know that you don’t mean to, but you always get so distracted by work that you forget to eat and you’re already so thin and Jihoon, I… This isn’t healthy.  _You’re_  not healthy. I know you don’t wanna open up to us because you don’t want us to worry about you because you think we shouldn’t, but that just makes us worry more, okay? I’m… I’m here for you to open up to. And I know it won’t be easy, and I know it won’t happen any time soon, but… a-at the very least, I’ll be here to force you to talk when things get too much and I’ll be here to help you relax a-and to help you get the weight off your shoulders and the stress off your mind and I… Jihoon, I-I can’t just sit back and watch you do this to yourself…”

The moment that his voice started cracking, he knew that he was in trouble. He felt his throat tightening and his breath catching and his words twisting and he hated, hated, hated that he couldn’t keep himself calm enough to do this. Jihoon wasn’t looking at him, had turned his attention down into his lap, his frame so stiff that he looked more statue than human. He hadn’t uttered a word the entire time, and nothing worried Soonyoung more than that. Jihoon was quiet, but he wasn’t like this, and oh God, he could feel his free hand trembling and his vision was fuzzy and he felt bile in his throat, his breathing shaky and uneven and he was so, so close to panicking…

He pulled his hand away as gently as he could, the hitch in the younger boy’s breath driving knives into his heart as he put it together with the other, taking a deep, long breath to clear his head and pretending as though his voice wasn’t trembling slightly when he spoke, anyway. “Jihoon?”

When the smaller looked over, one of the elder’s hands was curled into a fist, the other gently splayed out beneath to make… a jellyfish. “Ha…” he murmured, as he shifted his fingers to make the little sea creature swim, trying his best to smile, to make it cute and cheerful and sweet, to make the younger boy relax, to make him laugh, to make the tension disappear, something, anything…

And then Jihoon’s hand was on the back of his head, and he was being yanked down into a kiss.

It was hard and needy and filled with too much, the younger’s fingers curling too tight into his hair, pulling him in too far to be comfortable. And all that he could do was let his hands fall, let them cup the smaller’s face in a way that could only be described as  _reverent_ , the pads of his fingers trembling against his cheekbones and tears slipping from his eyes even as they were squeezed shut. He was biting back sobs that tore at his throat when he tried to pull away, but he was tugged right back in, kissed over and over and over until his fingers were tangled in Jihoon’s hair and the tears were drying on his cheeks and he could breathe properly, when they slowly, slowly separated. Only then did he notice the way that Jihoon’s cheeks shone, the dim lighting barely revealing that he was in the same state.

“Soonyoung?” But his voice was level, his frame still tense, but… better. It could almost be mistaken for simply uncomfortable, if he didn’t know the situation. “You’re… really amazing, too.”

Soonyoung’s laugh was a little too broken, but he couldn’t help the smile coming to his lips, his entire body burning from just how physical all of his emotions had become. He didn’t stop, not yet, leaning in and cupping Jihoon’s face again and peppering his face with the gentlest kisses that he could possibly manage. When he pulled back, the smaller’s eyes were closed, a shaky breath leaving his lungs. “Thank you, Soonyoung.”

The elder bit into lip, watching him open his eyes only to look away. “I… I’ll go make you some tea, okay? That’ll help…” He hoped. He needed to calm both of them down, desperately.

“Do you… want me to come with you?” God, Soonyoung hoped that that wasn’t concern in his eyes. He understood why there would be, as much as he hated it, but… one of them had to be calm and he was sure that he couldn’t do it.

Soonyoung shook his head, letting out a shaky breath of his own. “No, I’m… I’ll be okay. I’ll just use the microwave, so… so I can be right back!” Being alone wasn’t a good idea, but making Jihoon get out of bed after trying so hard to get him into it was much worse.

There was a moment of hesitation, but the younger nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, okay. … Hurry back, alright?” That was definitely concern, and Soonyoung wasn’t sure if he should feel guilty or grateful.

But he just nodded quickly, jumping up and darting off and using the few minutes that it took for the tea to seep to catch his breath. It… It would be okay. Things would be okay. Things had to be okay…

He still sucked in another one, deep and slow and not quite as soothing as it should have been, before entering the room, mug grasped gently between both hands. “Hey…” It was soft, a smile on his lips, though he knew that he was trying too hard to make himself at least look happy.

“Hey…” Jihoon tried to smile back, but it was soft and absent and barely reaching his eyes and Soonyoung felt his heart clench painfully. “Come sit with me.”

The elder did as he asked, sitting on the edge of the bed as he handed him the cup and shifting in further when he gestured for him to. He slipped in behind him, allowed the smaller to push his back up against his chest, settling against him as he cupped the mug with both hands, too tight. It took several nudges for Soonyoung to get the hint, but he wrapped his arms around the younger, holding him gently against him as Jihoon took a sip of his tea and slowly, slowly began to relax.

Soonyoung felt as though he should apologize, though he knew that he had done the right thing. He was so scared of what the younger thought, even as he was cuddled up against him, even as he pressed back into his chest.

“Thank you,” Jihoon murmured, the sound of his voice, let alone the softness, making Soonyoung jump a bit.

“What?”

“I… needed to hear that.” The smaller wasn’t looking at him, staring straight forward as he took another sip of his tea, but he sank deeper into his arms. “Give me… a while. But I’m gonna… try. I’m gonna try to do better.”

Soonyoung felt his throat closing up again, but in a way that was so, so much better, holding the younger a little bit tighter. “I just… I just want you to relax sometimes, okay? I guess that’s what it comes down to…” He sighed softly, nuzzling into soft brown hair. “I want you to be okay.”

Jihoon was quiet again, just as long, before holding up the cup. “Do you want a sip? Sounds like you need to relax, too.”

Soonyoung just shook his head, holding him a little tighter. He really was so thin… “I’m okay!” And he meant it, usual, honest smile slowly coming to his lips. “I just… I really wanna keep you safe.” Even if it was mostly from himself.

“Do you wanna lay down?” Jihoon finally turned half-toward him, dim light barely illuminating a half-full cup and soft eyes, full of warmth. It wasn’t an expression that he wore often, and the it affected Soonyoung’s heart far too much, far too easily.

“You don’t wanna finish?” The elder knew that he was picky with tea, but he thought that he had made it how he liked it, and now he was worried.

Jihoon’s brow furrowed, just enough to see. “If I’m more important than our fucking means of living, then you’re more important than tea, Soonyoung.”

And okay, Soonyoung couldn’t help a tiny laugh at that. “Okay, okay… Let me just set it down?” He took it gently, letting go to allow Jihoon to squirm away and lay down, before setting it down on the floor and laying down beside him.

“How are you feeling?” the younger mumbled, fingers gently tangling in the other’s shirt as he faced him.

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” He laughed softly, wrapping his arms around the smaller and pulling him in close, only for him to wrinkle his nose as he snuggled into chest.

“You’re the fucking emotional one,” he grumbled, but with honest affection, slowly wrapping his arms around the elder.

And Soonyoung just laughed, pressing a soft kiss to Jihoon’s forehead. “I’m okay… Long as you are. I guess I’ve just been wanting to say all that for a while…” As many times as he tried, it could never come out like that. Never so thoroughly, never so… honestly.

“’m okay,” the younger promised, fingers curling into the back of his shirt. “Look, I can’t promise that I’ll… be great right away. I know I’m not gonna be, but… I’m gonna try, for you. I wanna be… better. I wanna come to you when I need to, because, fuck, I know that you’re always here for me, but it’s so…”

“I know it’s hard.” He may not have had the personal experience, but sometimes empathy made it feel that way. Seeing just how horrible Jihoon made himself feel sometimes… The way that it twisted his heart couldn’t have been too far off. “But… I  _am_ here. For anything, okay?”

“Yeah…” A soft sigh, as Soonyoung felt some of the tension leeching out of the younger’s shoulders. “Yeah, I know you are.” A soft, long silence, but one that was becoming more and more comfortable. “You know I love you, right?”

And Soonyoung did, but he couldn’t help grinning anyway, his face absolutely lighting as he struggled to squirm into a better position and making it difficult to press a soft, sweet kiss to Jihoon’s lips, but he would be damned if he didn’t try. “I know.” He bumped his nose against his gently, still grinning so brightly that it was beginning to hurt. “I love you, too…” A soft, happy sigh, nearly identical from both mouths. “But we both need some sleep, okay?” After all, everyone else would be up in a couple of hours.

“Yeah… We do. Goodnight, Soonyoung.” Jihoon’s eyes slipped shut, as Soonyoung’s smile softened, murmuring a soft ‘good night’ in return.

It might take a while, but… things would work out in the end. He knew that they would. Jihoon was so diligent in everything that he did, and now that he wanted to work toward getting better, he knew that the effort would be just as strong. Soonyoung was going to make him realize that he had the support of everyone around them, if he needed them. He wanted to be there for him himself as much as he possibly could, but he knew that sometimes he just wasn’t the right person, that sometimes he needed someone else, and that was okay. All of them were there for him, even if he didn’t realize it, sometimes. After all… everyone knew that he was amazing. He was just lucky enough to be the one that he would believe.

**Author's Note:**

> Danae wrote like 40% of this almost verbatim (pretty much the entirety of Soonyoung's speech was her and I just actually wrote it out) and this entire thing is basically the result of her screaming that Jihoon is small and pure as a reaction to... to plans that I have for another thing, so! Thank you Danae, I love you. <3


End file.
